Foster parents put strict restrictions on 15-year-old's phone and do the same when his biodad buys him a new one, 15-year-old complains that they're hypocritical: 'They have no choice'

Author image for JR Atkinson
JR Atkinson • Writer and Editor
Nov 25, 2024 4:00 PM EST

Teenagers and technology are not the best mix. Anyone who has grown up with social media knows how damaging it can be to your mental health. It can distort reality, dampen your creativity, and make you irritable. So it's no wonder that some parents want to restrict how much access their teen has to their phone because left unchecked, some kids might spend all day on their device. But this is not always a popular decision among the teenagers themselves. If there's anything that they hate, it's being micromanaged. When you're 15, you feel like you're an adult, so you rage against other adults trying to tell you what to do. 

This is what happened to one child who found himself in a catch-22 when his foster parents and biological father had different ideas of how to manage screen time. Read on for the story and see what you think. 

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    Cheezburger Image 10431452160
    via Unsplash+ (Nick Fancher)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story

  • 02
    AITA for not allowing my foster parents to put parental controls on the iphone my biological parents bought me?
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
  • 03
    I (15M) have lived with my current foster parents since I was 9 years old but I've been in foster care since I was 6. I will call my foster parents 'Henry' and 'Erin'. I got a new phone as an early christmas present from my biological dad, it is an iphone 16 pro max, which is the phone I wanted so I am very happy about it. My previous phone was an iphone 11 and it was bought by Henry and Erin.
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
  • 04
    On my old phone Henry and Erin had set up loads of parental controls on it, so I couldn't download any apps without them approving it, I couldn't turn off share my location, I couldn't change my passcode, it would lock everything except their contacts at 8pm every night until after school and they had a timelimit on youtube so I could only watch it for 30 mins within the time where my phone was
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
  • 05
    unlocked anyway and I could only go on websites that they approved off (like there was a list that I could go on and I couldn't go on anything that they didn't manually add to that list). These all really annoyed me, but whenever I asked for them to be turned off they told me that they bought the phone. and so these were the rules.
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
  • 06
    Now I was given my new phone by my dad on monday and I haven't used it yet because they're telling me that I have to let them put the same restrictions on the new phone as they did my old phone. I said no because that isn't fair, I should be allowed to use my phone as my dad says because he paid for it. I said to them that my dad paid for the phone so it was his choice and that he doesn't want me to have those restrictions on.
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
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    But now they've changed and said it. doens't matter who bought the phone. even though that was their whole point before. Now theyre saying that because I am living with them I have to follow their rules and the rule for having a phone in this house is that they put restrictions on it. I don't think that is fair at all considering they didn't buy the phone?? I don't see how they can do this?
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
  • 08
    Before I got home from school on monday they took the phone out of the box my dad sent it in and set up all the restrictions and now I'm trying to figure out a way to take them off. I am thinking about complaining to my social worker because it is not fair that they put these restrictions on my phone even though they didn't pay for it?
    via u/Ok_Finish_8622
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    • 83poolie 49m ago • OP not gonna say you are in the wrong because of your age. I am also not going to say your carers are in the wrong based on the information you've provided. I am coming from the position that I previously was a foster carer as well as a worker within the law enforcement system.
    via u/83poolie
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    Your biological father is making a power play here. You may not see it because generally speaking, kids in care tend to see even the worst parents as being on a pedestal. For whatever reason, you've been in foster care for the majority of your life. A good portion of that time has been under the roof of your current carers.
    via u/83poolie
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    Whilst I appreciate that at 15 you think you should be able to do what you want on your phone, you need to understand that your carers are most likely just looking out for your best interests. Your biological father, for lack of a better term is throwing in a grenade. In my opinion he may be doing this for a few reasons. 1. To 'prove' to himself or your case worker that he is a good parent because deep down he knows he isn't.
    via u/83poolie
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    2. To drive a wedge between you and your carers in exactly the way it appears to have. 3. Because he cares about you genuinely and thinks that getting you an extravagant gift will somehow make up for you being in care since you were six years old.
    via u/83poolie
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    Honestly, it could be a mixture of the above. Regardless though, he should have discussed such a gift with your case worker and carers (if there is contact between him and them) to make sure it was okay, and so that he could discuss the rules surrounding usage of the phone with you. If you legitimately think that your carers are not doing what is in your best interests then you should speak to your case worker. Let them be the mediator as they are basically in charge.
    via u/83poolie
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    Ivetafox • 58m ago. NAH They don't have a choice. The foster agency I worked with insisted that parental controls were on and were quite strict about what was/wasn't allowed. It's really common to prevent vulnerable minors being exploited and if something happened to you while in their care, they could be prosecuted for not safeguarding you and also banned from fostering again.
    via u/Ivetafox
  • 15
    It sks because this isn't your fault. It's not even that you're not trusted by them, they have to do this. The guidance for foster parents is insane honestly. The amount of hoops you have to jump through to protect yourself from accusations are beyond belief.
    via u/Ivetafox
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    DamnitGravity 1h ago • Top 10% Commenter Maybe use this as an opportunity to re-negotiate what controls are placed on it. Keep the location tracking as that's important for you own safety (even though I'm sure you hate it), and see if you can get them to agree to letting you be able to look at whatever websites you want (with the exception of adult websites, of course). Agree to keeping a passcode they know, but allow you to watch YouTube for longer.
    via u/DamnitGravity
  • 17
    Give and take, that's the key here. Some you might win, some you might not. Given them a chance to trust you, and give yourself a chance to prove you can be trusted. It does sound like they're a bit constrictive in your phone use, but I don't know you, perhaps you need those controls for whatever reason. Or perhaps, as I said, this is a chance for you to prove you're able to be responsible.
    via u/DamnitGravity
  • 18
    EmbarrassedIdea3169 · 54m ago The "my bio dad should be the one to set the rules since he bought it" argument isn't going to fly, I'm afraid. He isn't your legal guardian and hasn't been for almost a decade. To lose custody of someone who is 6 and to keep it lost nearly a decade is a sign that the courts and the child welfare system don't see him as capable of making decisions like that.
    via u/EmbarrassedIdea3169
  • 19
    AnxiousQueen1013 48m ago • • NAH It is completely - understandable that you feel like the restrictions they're placing on you are unfair. It's also very understandable that you want to be able to freely use the phone that your dad gave you! But...I don't think your foster parents are automatically wrong either. It's their job to make sure you're safe and growing up well, and the sad fact is that phones are not great for developing brains.
    via u/AnxiousQueen1013
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    deleteyouraccount ⚫ 1h ago • • NAH. It's understandable that you don't want to follow your foster parents restrictions on your device. But at the end of the day, they are your legal guardians and you are a minor. Your father does not have custody of you. Him buying the device for you does not change the fact that it is still being used by a minor under the legal custody in someone else's household. That household gets to set the rules.
    via u/deleteyouraccount
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    I know it feels different because he is your father, but in practical terms it is the same as a random adult giving you a device and telling you to use it without the permission of your legal guardian. If that was okay for your non- custodial father to do, then for example a 30 year old man could give an unrelated 15 year old teenage girl a phone to secretly communicate with him and not tell her parents. He bought her the device, so her parents have no say in how it is used, right?
    via u/deleteyouraccount
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    I know that's not the answer you want to hear. It may not even be fair. I don't know your foster parents and how they are to you. But as long as you're in their care, you should follow the house rules.
    via u/deleteyouraccount

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